Esoterik Eatz

The apophatic food truck gets Yelped.

Above: ESOTERIK EATZ food truck in Nepal.

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I was excited to see that the Esoterik Eatz food truck had made it all the way up to Shambala. Reaching this mythical city in the Himalayas is hard enough for an individual. So I thought that a food truck that must have had 4-wheel drive to make it all the way up would put the same effort, if not more, into their food.

No such luck. The bodhisattva burrito was overcooked. I asked for extra nothingness but they wanted to charge extra. Not very Buddha-like. The cashier also had a snooty attitude. I felt they had potential but they needed to maybe get back to their roots of serving up worthy fare to seekers. I left the place spiritually hollow. Disappointed all around.

Deng Huang:

It's obvious that you're a Postmates driver. You're that lady with the trucker hat and long gray hair. You're always so impatient. Don't you see that your attitude counteracts the effects of your customer's meal? Extra toppings are extra money. Period. Blame inflation, not us.

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Excellent! Esoterik Eatz delivers! The service is top-tier. The ingredients, same. Once they saw me dunk a fiver into the tip jar, they heaped on extra nothingness on my noetic nachos. I follow EE on IG. You should do the same! Excellent! You will NOT be disappointed. Did I mention they're excellent?

Deng Huang:

Excellent review, Mike! Did I say excellent?

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Meh. While the prospect of “meals” delivering spiritual nutrition is appealing, I felt the menu lacked in substance. I get it. Style is everything, as is perception. But I didn't leave the place spiritually sated. The price was steep for what amounted to little more than a snack for the soul. I have a big soul. Experts have measured it and claimed it an anomaly. So my soul needs a feast, not a nosh. IMHO, Esoterik Eatz leaves much to be desired. I will not be returning. I'm reading the Bhagavad Gita instead.

Deng Huang:

Read about Arjuna all you want. A cheapskate beta like you will never draw a bowstring in your life, never mind hit a bullseye.

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The owner—and driver—Deng Huang, has this air of moral rectitude that is completely unwarranted. Where does he get off? Combine the arrogance of a supposedly-accomplished Mahayana practitioner with the conceited air of a hipster food truck proprietor, and what do you get? Him. Their tattva tacos were out of this world, and their bardo bits (smallish dumplings of death filled with oblivion) are astonishingly good, but Deng's attitude ruins the whole show. Lose the attitude, Deng, and you'll gain a customer.

Deng Huang:

Eat a bag of &#%@$@%

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Above: ESOTERIK EATZ somewhere between the mythical cities of Jabalqa and Jabarsa, coming down from Hurqalya.

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I loved Esoterik Eatz so much that I came back and reincarnated just to leave this review! Do yourself a solid and leave solidity by partaking of any one—or two, or three!—of their fusion dishes. You've got Christianity/Jainism salad wraps, tattva tacos, and their to-die-for bodhisattva burrito drizzled with salvific salsa. Harmony between faiths achieved! OK, I die now! [Kills self]

Deng Huang:

Thank you, Jet Chau! We appreciate your patronage and your coming back to the world to leave a great review. However—uh—never mind.

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It’s me! I'm back! I reincarnated to leave a 5-star review but accidentally left only 4-and-a-half! Here's the other half-star above! Please combine both reviews into one! Thanks! OK, I now die again! [Re-kills self]

Deng Huang:

You're killing ME, man!

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Sucks.

Deng Huang:

YOU suck.

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I wanted to love it. However, I think had I loved it, I would be satisfied, and satisfaction is the doorway to complacency. So in a way, Esoterik Eatz provides excellent grub for initiates, adepts, and seekers of all levels. But I'm not so sure. When I got my chakra churro, I thought my kundalini would shoot straight up and resemble the sugary treat itself. It was not meant to be. Somewhere around the throat chakra, I began to gag. And there's only one thing that makes me gag. Falsity. The chakra churro is not made from whole-spun equanimity. Avoid knockoffs. But then again, it could be me. I have issues. I'm borderline-personality with dustings of Aspberger's.

Deng Huang:

Allison, we are sorry that your chakra churro did not fulfill your expectations. Come back and we will set things right. We will be at the Ramakrishna Monastery in Orange County, California, USA, this Thursday, the 18th.

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I crossed the knife-blade-thin Bridge of Sirat for this? Smh. I left the truck feeling queasy. Dervish that I am, when I returned to whirling, I fell unconscious and suffered a concussion by knocking my head against the Thar desert sand. I think I got food poisoning from the creatio ex nihilo crepes. If achieving Eternal Cosmic Oneness means having to suffer your tummy to this, go seek damnation asap.

Deng Huang:

Our creatio ex nihilo crepes are rated 5 stars by all industry standards. Admittedly, we have had to sub out a few ingredients due to supply chain issues. That said, you're just a whiny Karen whose large “tummy” can't even handle a bit of psychopomp syrup. Whirling dervish? More like whirling walrus.

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I'm back again! I think karma is not working. The IT guy is on vacation. I got reincarnated! So I'm here to leave another half-star for Esoterik Eatz! That's 5-and-a-half stars. Well-deserved. OK, I die yet again! [Re-re-kills self]

Deng Huang:

[*this comment has been removed by Yelp due to excessive abusive language. See our Policies and Terms and Conditions *]

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As the 14th Dalai Lama, I am proud to announce my patronage of Esoterik Eatz food truck! I don't do a lot of food shots on my TikTok, but here goes:

Gastronomy rules! I know I know I know. Purity. Abstemiousness. Frugality and austerity. But have you seen Mr. Huang's drizzle game? Chimichurri ain't got nothing on his liquid squiggles of moksha meatballs. The soma with boba is a must!

Deng Huang:

Your Holiness, your review leaves me a humble proprietor. It washes away all the negative reviews left by the maggot slime that have not only tanked my Yelp rating but have also accrued to the wheels of my truck, whose bushings and control arms are in need of repairs caused from the lack of traction imposed by such maggot slime. I bow before you and your discerning taste buds—taste buds so holy that it is a tragedy that they must share a universe with Yelpers who have made it their pastime to sabotage honest enterprises such as mine by voicing whatever misconceived frustrations or hang-ups they have due to unrequited love, body dismorphia, low self-esteem brought on by undersized genitalia, lack of faith in God, chlamydia, unrealized altocalciphilia (high-heel fetish), 401(k) withdrawal penalties, political asylum, gout, silverfish infestation, food poisoning, reading Deuteronomy, lactose intolerance, losing bids on eBay, losing followers on Substack, home forclosure, tennis elbow, watching the Rings of Power, waning interest in Golden Dawn curricula, democracy, AT&T customer service, burnt microwave popcorn, traffic on the Shanghai-Nanjing Expressway, relapse into onanism, bad wifi, living in a world with Reggaeton, lupus, male-pattern baldness, inflation, PDF-editing, Windows 10, being a centipede in a toe-counting contest, paper cuts, asking for a happy ending at a massage parlor but getting a cliffhanger, overdraft fees, acne, warm beer, bad credit, rooting against the People's Republic of China in the Olympics, and gingivitis.

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Thank you for reading Third-Eye LASIK. If you like what you just read, why not check out my brand-new novel? It’s an LA noir mystery with an alcoholic private detective, vegan crime bosses, guys who cut cocaine with borax, and AI Charles Manson.

Suicide by Jiu-Jitsu? Hmm. Tequila? Of course. Crushed Trachea Blues is live and livid. You in?