Celestial Psyops

Anton La Oy Vey's YouTube channel

Could it be that enlightenment is overrated?

Think about it for a moment. All throughout human history, prophets and poets have sung the praises of the Eternal Cosmic Oneness like it was the be-all/end-all ultimate goal of every soul ever created.

But what if all along they were wrong? What if, for instance, a Buddhist monk performed mahasamadhi by willingly leaving his meat wagon in a final act of renunciation, only to realize once he got to the other side, “Oh shit. I just made a huge mistake.”

[Douchebag Deity of choice: “No takesy-backsies.”]

Yesterday, my Buddhism hobbyist friend and I checked out a growing YouTube channel called Pleromarama. We figured reading books on achieving enlightenment had so far proven unfruitful. So we looked to maybe view our way past reincarnating over and over.

Alas, like all YouTube channels (if you don't have the premium service), this one came with embedded ads at the beginning. The ad:

A homeless-looking dude, with a black devil-horned yarmulke saying, “What if everything you've ever learned about spirituality is dead wrong? Guess what. It is! Heaven is a lie! Beware! It's all—Celestial Psyops!”

These contrarian wannabee influencers are a dime a dozen. There's the all-carb/anti-keto guru, the options-trading detractor, the undefeated boxer who says you should never spar, and the adult-film director who brags about his virginity. I'd had enough of this destitute dope. I went to press “SKIP.”

But my friend stayed my hand. “Let's hear this dude out!”

So we did, and I pressed the ad:

“My name is Anton La Oy Vey. Don't fall for the karma pyramid scheme. You want to reincarnate! That's how you go on existing. Do you think it's fair that a soul figures out the game of life after many lifetimes, only to be rewarded with no more life? Stupid! Hraggghhhfaooph! That's like studying a whole life's worth of chess, becoming a Grand Master, and then no longer being able to play the game you love.

“Reincarnating is dope. It's a wacky ride through the funhouse of existence. Yeah, I'm in a bad spot now, but five-hundred years ago I was an Ottoman sultan. I've had a slew of awesome incarnations. The only past life I recall that I loathed more than this one was when I was Medusa's hairdresser. No one wants to perm up hair that bites you. Want premium content? A Patreon pledge of $29.97 a month will get you all the anti-liberation liberty you're looking for!”

“Dude's got a point,” my friend said.

“The irony of ironies,” Anton La Oy Vey continued, “is that once your soul figures out the psychological nuances on how to handle everything life throws at you—in essence, how to be enlightened, or how to live with something akin to expertise—you get the world rug swiped out from under you. A bum deal, that. Can I interest you in the purchasing of a timeshare on Jupiter?”

At this point in my spiritual life, I'm starting to grow skeptical. So I'm dipping my toes into the Pool of Eternity, on the off-chance that the Pool of Eternity is just so much ontological sewage.

From the depictions of Heaven I've seen, the digs seem pretty damn bland. I mean, who the hell wants to lounge on a billowy cloud, wear a toga for all eternity, and pet deer? Can't they at least hang a disco ball?

Anton La Oy Vey again: “The reason we all assume Heaven, enlightenment, and moksha are all good goals to achieve is because they all do come by only through arduous work. But no one has ever come back to give us warning that it's all a trap.”

Try as I did to shake the cosmic conspiracy theorist's take on the Great Work being a scam, I couldn't get it out of my head. Now when I meditate, I feel like I'm taking irretrievable steps toward the Black Iron Prison, which meditation was supposed to free me from. Prayers feel like quantum leaps toward eternal oblivion. Counting rosaries, a death sentence. Circumambulating altars of Ganesh got me closer to the trap door of endless, dreamless sleep.

Perhaps this explains the antinomianism of Jacob Frank and Sabbatai Zevi. Those notorious self-proclaimed messiahs fleshed out full-scale curricula on how to sin, be depraved, and besmirch all that is holy—all as assurance that they would get reincarnated.

And that too begs the question:

Why would you get rewarded by getting kicked off the Ferris wheel of death and rebirth just because you figured out how to live a life of good deeds? What, are there quality-control specialists up on high who determine that your soul is good to go forever and ever because you kept your tallywacker to yourself and didn't mutter combinations of syllables that pissed off the Lord? Hmm.

I could at least appreciate Hassan-I-Sabbah, the Old Man of the Mountain of 12-century Iran who rewarded his martyrs with endless supplies of houris and primo weed for their sacrifices. Who wants release from all earthly perception for behaving? I want a multimedia ceremony of the senses that lasts thirty days.

I was distraught from all this. I went back to find the Celestial Psyops YouTube channel.

In his latest video, Anton La Oy Vey brought up the subject of heaven being a sham, enlightenment a ploy to shanghai seeking souls into servitude for all time, and release from reincarnation tantamount to getting booted off the merry-go-round of bliss.

Like all enthusiastic YouTube consumers, I scoured the comments.

This from ThunderChug3000:

Thank you Celestial Psyops for liberating me from the impossible chore of seeking liberation! I now participate in wife-swapping parties and sleep well at night. Well, in the day, because we don't get home after all the fun until daybreak. xoxoxo

And this from HecateBag:

I love your course. No longer having to seek Truth and get in touch with the Almighty has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. I now do what I want. I am my own mental point of origin. Burning is cleansing! 🤘🤘🤘

And finally this from TurboPope:

Being in communion with God was such a drag. I couldn't consume illicit substances, bear false witness, and worst of all, covet without Him knowing about it. Do yourself a favor. Get a VPN and get the Celestial Psyops course. It'll reclaim your life. Oh, and stop meditating asap!

A skeptic would maintain Anton La Oy Vey had been a tempting agent all along, a devilish roadblock placed in the middle of my winding spiritual path.

But I wondered: Anton La Oy Vey may have pulled the curtain back just enough to realize the truth behind the Truth.

What the hell, I signed up for the Patreon exclusive content. The only thing cheaper than spirituality nowadays would be opting out of spirituality. $29.97 a month for scruple-free libertinage is a bargain. That's chump change compared to the tithe your local rinky-dink Jesus house guilt-trips you into giving.

If I could cancel Netflix and Peacock, I could then purchase his To Hell With Heaven course, which consists of twelve modules. Because we all know everyone and their mother has a course.

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